From The Nethermost
Victoria's secret
Jim Herod

I am becoming so modern! For the first time ever, I have had a chat session! I have no idea what my chat partner looked like, but her typing was lovely! She inspired me to have bold, firm, masculine typing.

Here's the situation. You may know that I had this horrific computer failure. It was terrible. The emotional result was

lots of weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth in this household. The physical result was that the computer's hard disk had to be wiped clean. As a result, I have had to load up all the drivers and software again. It was time to load the driver for the scanner. Be aware that I bought the scanner in about the year of our Lord, 2000 A.D. For a while, I fussed over where in this house the disk for the scanner software could be. What do you know? I had left a note to myself under the lid of the scanner for where I could find the software disk if I ever needed it.

Easy, right? Just pop that sucker into the computer and follow the instructions. Did that. Then, I plugged in the scanner.

Whoops. "New hardware," Microsoft Windows grumbled. A Microsoft Wizard appeared on the computer screen. It took over my computer and me too, for that matter. "Put in the software disk," it said in a very unpleasant manner. I did. After a few more "Next" punches, I got a warning: this disk does not have a Windows Signature. Well, that's not my fault. "Tell me where and I'll sign the blame thing." I said this in a loud voice. "I have a son who used to work at Microsoft." I went on, "He can sign for me." I don't think The Wizard paid any attention. Maybe it did. It next warned me that if I continued, "discrepancies" in the operation of this computer might occur. Catch that? In this computer discrepancies might occur, as if I thought it was going to cause discrepancies in my ex-Microsoft son's computer.

So, I called HP support. After all, it was HP that made the scanner and the software that makes it run. I talked to a nice guy in Pakistan. He told me that my great scanner is out of date. It's true. Like I said, I bought it at the beginning of the new millennium. That makes it out of date. I surely did not tell that guy from Pakistan that I was, well, not bought, but obtained 70 years ago. And, I have needed no updates and have no discrepancies to speak of!

Anyway, he sent me to the web site for the makers of my scanner for a chat about my problem. That's right: a chat about my problem. I wanted to ask if there was a couch available for this chat. You know, I have not had a chat since … well, I can't remember when I last chatted with someone.

I tell you. This was not what I expected. Words started streaming across my computer screen. And you know what these words said? "Hello, my name is Victoria." My mood improved at once. I forgave that Pakistani guy for his growing superior attitude. Victoria! Victoria was so nice. She typed fast, so I had to type fast to keep up. She asked what she could do to help me. Well, there was nothing to do except tell her. What would you have done?

After she gave a resolution to my problem - that is, to my computer's problem - I told her my name is James Victor Herod. I told her that I was named for my grandmother Victoria Isabella Garrett Herod. She thanked me for telling her that. We exchanged some more polite goodbyes and she was gone.

She sent me a transcript of our discussions. But, you know, I was interested that she did not include the last, that we have a commonality in our names and that we exchanged other remarks in parting. I guess she didn't want her boss to know that she was sometimes nice to one of her professional chat partners.

Well, what can I say? I looked at my computer and found that I could tell it to go back to 7:30 this morning, five hours earlier than all that downloading and uploading and chatting. I did that. I told my computer to forgive all my afternoon's dalliances and to reset itself to 7:30 this morning when all was fresh and bright and innocent.

I tell you in private that I did not destroy the transcript of our chats. So nice … . Victoria. I wonder if she has any other secrets.

Jim Herod is a retired Georgia Tech professor living on the edge of the Nethermost in Grove Hill.

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